The Duel
by LannaKitty
Summary: There was one piece of cake left on the tray. Vaguely S10. Humor. No plot.


Title: The Duel

...or "The unstoppable force, meets the immovable object"

Spoilers: none

Category: Gen

Characters: SG-1: Farscape Edition plus Jack O'Neill

Rating: PG

Notes:

For anuna who wanted "Jack & Vala conversation about the food in SGC." and she wanted it to be funny. The suggested musical accompaniment: Dueling Banjos.

There was one last piece of cake on the tray.

The commissary lighting was usually on the low side to "help aid digestion". If you couldn't see what it was, you'd eat it, Jack had always assumed. Tonight however the light seemed to illuminate the last slice, showcasing it like a holy relic in a circle of radiance. A single piece of flourless chocolate cake with raspberry sauce and a dollop of cream; perfection on a blue plate. The rich brown, red and white of the dessert called to Jack, especially appealing after a five hour meeting with the IOA after a limp salad for lunch which had followed a four hour meeting, also with the IOA.

Mitchell had taken to cooking in his downtime. While his early attempts had been crimes against the culinary arts (the well-intentioned but inedible get-well cookies he'd made for Carter being the infamous example here), his most recent attempts were, to use the vernacular of his barely-out-of-diapers Pentagon office staff, 'Made of Win'. Delicious, delicious win.

The last piece of cake was Jack's. Mitchell had promised him one before Jack could threaten to bust him down to captain. The boy was learning.

Fork in hand, Jack sat down at the table.

Just as another person did, sitting in the opposite seat, also wielding a fork, clearly intent on eating Jack's cake.

Jack arched a silver eyebrow. "Vala."

"General. Good meeting?" Vala's hand sneaked out and daintily landed on the rim of the plate. Slowly the plate inched towards her side of the table.

Jack's hand snuck out and staked a claim on the plate as well, stopping the slide over to Vala. "Fine."

Vala pouted for a fraction of an instant. "So you'll be at the, oh what do you people call it, a "Bar-be-cue?" she asked, sounding out the word. The plate inched on to her side.

Jack inched the plate back. "Yes. Well, barring, acts of god or various and sundry national and intergalactic crisis in the next twenty-four hours. I look forward to it." He inched the plate on to his side of the table.

Vala's eyes flicked to the chocolate decadence then back at Jack. She firmly applied pressure to the single finger resting on the edge of the plate, thwarting Jack's attempts at claiming the prize. "I am too. Cam has become something of a cook."

"He has something to learn about using certain ingredients," Jack began as he slid the cake his way.

"You mean beer?" The cake slid back.

Jack assumed a mild expression. "That is one such ingredient. I hope his barbecue is as good as he says."

The cake slid towards Vala, "Daniel thinks so."

"Does he now?" Jack asked as the cake slid back into his territory.

"Sam agrees."

"Well,"

"So does Teal'c." The cake was well into her territory now.

Jack used his thumb to pinch the plate and dragged it back towards his side. "Well then it should be a good dinner. Far better than what they serve here."

Vala's eyes narrowed, but they never left Jack. "I've been meaning to complain to you about that," she stated.

Jack stopped the plate midway. "Oh?"

Vala sniffed and made several attempts to pull the plate but Jack's grip was firm. "The food here is terrible. I've barely survived my confinement here," she lamented. "I have no idea how Teal'c managed."

"Teal'c doesn't care as long as there is enough," Jack pointed out as the cake drifted his way. A flash of silver caught his eye, and quick as anything he struck out with his own fork, parrying away Vala's attempt to stab the dessert.

"True, but that doesn't change the fact that for such a supposedly forward thinking group, your food is, frankly, sub par." She made several quick stabs at the cake as it was drawn back towards Jack's side of the table.

Jack's fork clanked against Vala's as he fought for his dessert. "We couldn't get Emeril security clearance."

"I've had better food in various detention centers," Vala added sweetly. She feigned and nearly got a fork of chocolate deliciousness, but was stopped. However she took the opportunity to steal the plate back.

"I've had better MREs," Jack half-growled as he grabbed the plate.

"I've been off world and stuck on base all week," Vala added as she too grabbed the plate.

The dessert hovered over the center of the table, slightly held aloft by the grip each had on the plate.

"Budget Meetings," Jack countered, "with the pencil pushers. All. Week. Rubber chicken and wilted salad."

"Cardboard stew and stale water." Vala tugged on the plate ever so slightly in her direction.

Jack tugged back. "Undercooked pasta and cold vaguely pan-asian noodles."

"Nothing but red Jell-O for dessert!" The plate went to her side.

"What's wrong with red Jell-O?" The plate went back. "Don't tell me you're one of Carter's blue Jell-O minions?"

"Hardly!" The plate drifted to her side and the fork came out again. "I prefer the orange if you must know." They parried with their forks again, now making no pretense of their war over the cake. "I particularly like when they make it with the little orange fruit and that not-really-ice-cream stuff."

The tines of Jack's fork locked with Vala's. The Alien woman had a mischievous and determined gleam in her eye, but Jack had suffered Woolsey (who wasn't all that bad), Chen (who was) and the new guy (who was worse) and this was his reward. "If you ask sweetly I'm sure the cooks will make you some dessert," he reasoned.

"I'm banned from the kitchens," Vala admitted.

Jack blinked and their fight paused for a moment. "Banned? What did you do?"

Vala sniffed and looked evasive. "Nothing."

They locked eyes and the fight was suddenly on again, each tugging on the plate and trying to keep the other from actually taking any of the cake away.

"Don't you have some kind of taboo against taking chocolate away from women on this planet?"

"We have a taboo here at the SGC about stealing imy/i cake!"

"Finder's keepers, I believe the saying is?"

"Jack? Vala?"

The pair froze, half out of their seats, their utensils locked in mortal combat. They looked over at Daniel, Cam and Sam then sheepishly set the plate down. It took some doing, but they managed to untangle their now slightly deformed forks.

"What are you doing?" Daniel asked, giving both of them dirty looks.

Both Jack and Vala looked to Cam and Sam for help but both were cheerfully, and insubordinately Jack thought, trying not to laugh. Clearly they would be of no help.

"We were discussing food," Jack stated as he straightened and gave the group his very best "I am a two star general, laugh at me at your own peril" look. Cam bit the inside of his cheek, but Carter appeared to be immune. Jack scowled at her which only made her grin broader.

"Food?" Daniel queried, not buying it.

"Yes. Specifically how we find the commissary food and the MREs to be deplorable excuses for cuisine," Vala added loftily.

Daniel raised an eyebrow.

"He started it!" Vala accused.

"She was stealing my cake!"

"I saw it first!"

"I've been stuck in meetings all day and Mitchell said he'd save me a piece."

"Uhm, Sir? I can make another," Cam added in an attempt to be helpful.

"It's not the same," both Vala and Jack answered then gave one another half-annoyed, half-amused looks.

"Colonel Mitchell," Teal'c chimed in from the other side of the table from where Daniel was standing. "I must compliment you on your growing culinary accomplishments."

Jack and Vala turned around in slowly dawning comprehension and horror. Teal'c inclined his head respectfully to Cam and continued to eat the last slice of cake.

"Thanks Teal'c," Cam accepted awkwardly.

The group watched as Teal'c's fork cleaned the last of the raspberry sauce and a few crumbs of chocolate off the plate. Vala whined and slumped into her seat. Teal'c set the plate down.

"I will see you at dinner tomorrow. Good evening."

Jack watched the big Jaffa leave then fixed Mitchell with a look he further emphasized with a pointed finger.

"Yes, Sir. Two cakes tomorrow at dinner," Cam immediately acknowledged the unspoken order.

Satisfied, Jack dropped his hand and nodded. He stuffed both hands into his pockets and rocked back on his heels "So," he asked Vala, "how did you get banned from the kitchens?"

~fin


End file.
